Parenting Adult Children
People have been talking with me recently about the joys and challenges of parenting adult children. It requires a different approach from when they were younger. However, it’s not completely dissimilar, if our goal is to help them be confident, independent and self-sufficient.
So, how do we adapt? What does parenting mean at this stage of life?
Circumstances and temperaments will vary, of course, but I’ll offer some universal themes that resonate with me. Every family will have their own, unique ways of putting these into action.
Love. At its core, good parenting for me is rooted in love. It prompts me to ask, what does my child need in this moment? Love encourages me to be patient: to hold my tongue until asked for my opinion, yet also to be bold: to speak hard truths when required. It widens my heart towards acceptance and away from criticism. Love is the foundation for all else.
Destiny. I believe that every individual has their own path in life. We each have the responsibility to find it and need courage to live it. That includes our children! We want so much for them and become so used to making decisions for them when they are babies, toddlers and preschoolers, that our habitual response might be to take charge and tell them what to do. Remembering they have their own destiny allows us to step back and give them the chance to make, and live with, their own choices.
Standing in Support. As our children mature, we learn to stand beside them as they grow and struggle—to lend assistance when asked, to give space when needed. Just as when they were learning to walk, we offered first two hands, then one hand, then a single finger, until we let them loose…now we must do the same. We stay nearby (emotionally) ready to help in age appropriate ways and we watch them go, cheering their efforts despite our fears and sorrow as they forge a new way of being in the world that doesn’t revolve around us. We can listen, empathize, and affirm, resisting the impulse to correct, control or interfere.
Healthy Boundaries. As in all relationships, clean and clear boundaries allow both “we” and “I” to co-exist. I once read that in healthy relationships, both people care about each person. This leads to four points of view—I care about me, I care about you, you care about you, you care about me. Keeping these four perspectives in balance allows our relationships with adult children to step out of the “I’m in charge/do what I say” parent/child dynamic left over from childhood and into something more generative, mature and satisfying.
Acceptance. One thing I noticed when I became a parent is that those tiny little babies come with their own personalities! From day one, they are themselves. We can nurture them, teach them, and guide them, but ultimately, they become in charge of themselves. We may hope for different choices—whether it’s about education, jobs, partners, lifestyles, where to live, politics, religion—but acknowledging they are adults, with the right and responsibility to choose for themselves, allows us to come to terms with how they organize their lives.
Communication. Everyone will have a different preference about how frequently they want to communicate, and in what manner. For me, it’s important to have regular contact, whether by text, email, phone, zoom or in person. I want to ensure my children trust me enough to be honest emotionally and are engaged enough to want to know what’s going on in my life. I love to hear about their projects and activities, their challenges and insecurities, their hopes and dreams. I’m happy to share with them the same.
Connection. The point of communication is to create connection. This is what my heart longs for. Whether they are across the country or living with us, I want to feel the close connection that comes from honest dialogue, shared memories, mutual respect and abiding love.
Stated differently, my Ideal for parenting adult children would be:
I am grounded in Love, Destiny and Standing in Support
I am embracing Healthy Boundaries and Acceptance
I am unfolding into Communication and Connection
Whatever the age of your child, what guides your parenting choices?